It doesn’t seem possible but we are only days away from our return flight to Kenya. One month ago we returned to the U.S. with heavy hearts as we prepared to say out last earthy goodbyes to our little girl. We have been so blessed in our time back in Pennsylvania. Our family has been showered with love, prayers, support, and gifts far beyond what we could ever deserve. Because of the generosity of others, we, as a family, have been able to take some small trips to visit with family/friends, we saw the Noah production at Sight & Sound Theatre, and we even had a chance to go to a hotel with a pool (this was Noah’s only request as soon as we told him that we had to return to the states).
In these past several weeks we have begun the long process of healing, but is still a struggle as we start to “move on”. For some reason, these last several days have been particularly hard for me…I’m not really sure why. Each bag that we pack seems to be another reminder that we are that much closer to our return to Tenwek…without Hannah. We have known ever since Hannah’s death that we would be taking this step. Before she died, Steph and I vowed that this was not going to keep us from our work in Kenya. Our daughter’s death did not revoke our calling to missions. If anything, it has strengthened our desire to whole-heartedly serve Christ in whatever capacity He calls us to. But the pain is real and is an ever-present reminder of the fallen nature of this world.
We all look forward to seeing our friends/family at Tenwek. We have missed them terribly while we have been in Pennsylvania. Going back will hurt as well though. It will mean saying goodbye to our family/friends here. (A painful reality of being a career missionary is that you are always saying goodbye to someone you love.) We also will have to re-enter the world where this nightmare occurred. I tear up even thinking about walking back into our home…her room…her empty room. I can’t even begin to think about walking up to casualty right now. I had so enjoyed my morning walks up the hill to work. Now ever step will be repeating the path I took as I carried her. I’m not sure that I will be able to walk into casualty, the ICU, or our CT scanner without reliving the events of that night. And I don’t think I will ever be able to treat a patient in bed 6 without seeing her lying there.
I have often found that music has served as a means of comfort when life is difficult. This has been the case for mankind probably since Creation. One song that I have always enjoyed is entitled “The Love of God”. The third verse in particular has always struck a chord in my heart. (The song is a hymn that was written in 1917 but that third verse is different. The hymn writer actually found those words penciled on the wall of a patient’s room at an insane asylum. That patient was only repeating what they had heard before as that stanza had been written about 1,000 years earlier by a Jewish songwriter.) The third verse reads like this:
Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade.
To write the love of God above, would drain the oceans dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.
Countless people have sung this song over the millennium. The Biblical truth that it proclaims remains just as true now as it was the day that it was penned. God’s love for us is vast and endless. Even when we feel lost, alone, discouraged, dejected, or crushed by the weight of the world, God is there. He always has been…He always will be. His love hasn’t changed and His promises endure. Todd Agnew has written a version of this song that is a little less “upbeat” than most. I have always found it to be one of my favorites though…no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in, these truths remain unchanged. Here is a link to his version: http://youtu.be/oIAH_Atw-ms
As we finalize our plans to return to Kenya, I have a few specific prayer requests. Please pray that as we speak that we will speak with the grace that He has lavished on us. Pray that we will represent Him with a joy that only He can provide. Pray that no matter what the world may throw at us that we will remain faithful and vigilant to His calling on our lives. Pray that through the work of the missionaries and staff at Tenwek that many others may come to understand the immense love He has for all of us…pray that they would accept this gift and the salvation that He offers through it. Thank you for walking this road with us.
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13 Comments
Ali Coates
Apr, 27, 2013I can see Hannah in your every family photo. She can still be seen through the lights in your eyes, the smiles on your faces. xo
Lee B
Apr, 27, 2013Praying for you and your family daily!
Deborah Ray
Apr, 27, 2013I’ll be praying for you as you prepare to go back to Tenwek. I know it will be hard but God’s grace will get you through it. Just continue to look for the miracles that God has for you to remind you of little Hannah and of His love. God bless you all.
Terry thomas
Apr, 27, 2013Your faith in god has got you through this far, and your faith in god will carry you through Tenwek. Your faith continues to inspire me, I enjoy reading your blogs even tho at times they do make me cry. I continue to pray for you & your family as you make this journey back to Africa. I can’t even imagine knowing what that is going to feel like walking back through those doors again. God bless& be safe!!!
diane brubaker
Apr, 27, 2013Your comic book family photo made me smile…And I know what a talented photographer Katie is:) A family photo without Hannah reminds me of the song “I Will Fly” by Mercy Me— “What I see as incomplete, God sees as COMPLETELY HIS.” Thank you Aaron and Stephanie for both being so open and honest as you grieve. You are a living example of lives truly submitted to God, not just in the easy days but in the hardest of days too. Prayers will continue for your family as you return to Tenwek.
Devon Wert
Apr, 28, 2013God has brought your family to my mind often and I will continue to pray for you as you go back to Africa. The song, “The Love of God” was my Dad’s favorite song. When I was a young girl, as we were traveling, my Dad would ask me to sing it to him. He has been gone almost 9 years and every time I hear it, I think of him. God has something very special for you and your family and He will give you what you need as you see all of the places and things that remind you of that very difficult night. He will uphold you and carry you when you need Him to.
Donna Samples
Apr, 28, 2013Go with YHVH, Kelley family. I know you will.
Merridy
Apr, 28, 2013Returning to places filled with memories of pain triggered by sights, smells, and sounds of that event is extremely challenging. Victory comes with each step as we fight the onslaught of lies that often come with the memories of , ” could have, should haven would have.” And even greater stride are made in the process when we can picture Jesus taking each step with us on the journal as He whispers TRUTH to our hearts about His promises to heal our broken hearts, bind our wounds and take what feels to be the worst experience and watch Him turn it into a treasure that we can fully give thanks for later…down the road in our journey. In our weakness, He some how shines brighter through the “cracks” of our broken vessels. May He shine brighter than He has ever shinned before in and through your brokenness! Praying for you and your family every single day!
Joyita
Apr, 28, 2013Your family strength and courage has been as inspiration to me. . Just know that little Hannah is now watching over you guys. .. as my mom told me never say good byes forever. . So is see you later. .. stay encoencourage
Amanda Owings
Apr, 29, 2013Thank you for continuing to share so transparently! Your ability to lay your heart out for others is truly a gift from God and has inspired so many. And it’s not just the victory, but the journey thru the darkness that so many can relate to. Thank you! We continue to pray for your family and will specifically pray for God’s provision as you take this next step.
Bev
Apr, 29, 2013Praying for you as you return to Africa. Hannah will always be with you in your hearts. She is healed and with Jesus.
Praying for you as you return to Africa. Always remember Hannah is healed and in the presence of Jesus. She will be in your hearts forever!
Heidi
May, 1, 2013Ur family is continually in my thoughts. Every time I read a post I can’t help but cry I can’t even imagine what u have gone through. Praying for u.
Frank and Sharon Martin
May, 2, 2013We have been keeping you and your family in our prayers. We know that your Kenya family will continue to walk this path of transitions with you. Please know that many World Gospel Misison prayer partners are still praying for you.