Questions of Grief

If I could completely eliminate the pain of losing Hannah that I feel now, would I? What if by doing so, it would remove the brief time I had with her? Would I erase all of the memories we shared? Would it be worth it?

Grief, pain, suffering. They are words that conjures a large variety of emotions…none of which are generally desirable. Grief has been studied and analyzed at great length. A set of expected “stages” has even been developed by Kubler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Anyone who has experienced grief, whether through death, divorce, or another cause knows that you can’t cleanly compartmentalize the thoughts and emotions that an individual experiences in the wake of grief or suffering. I can tell you from my own experience that the roller coaster I have been on does not follow any of the rules. I have skipped some steps and revisited others more times than I would like to admit. It is an exhausting emotional ride that I would love to get off of and never rejoin again.

Grief hurts, it isolates, and it destroys. The effects of grief can lead to arguments, to despair, to divorce, and even to suicide or worse. And grief has, or will, affect everyone…each and everyone of us. From the greatest and most powerful of the world to the least among all of us, everyone will feel it’s effects. No amount of money or insurance, no safety measures, no amount of cautiousness, not even righteousness can prevent its unwelcome arrival in our lives. (It seems like especially in America, we are sold a lie of being able to achieve a reasonable level of safety and security. Don’t believe it…not for a second! If nothing else, my work in the ER has proven time and again that tragedy and death is no respecter of persons no matter your wealth, social status or perceived security.)

One of the most common questions that arises in the face of grief and suffering is “why?”. And it’s a fair question. Why did I get sick even though I do my best to eat healthy and work out? Why did that car swerve towards and kill my family member instead of just hitting that tree? Why did my spouse leave me? Why did cancer have to affect my daughter? Why? Why? Why? In the case of Hannah, there are so many “whys”. I am profoundly grateful that, at least in small ways, some of the whys for us have been answered. Why Hannah? Why only weeks after leaving our family and friends and moving across the world? Why in a country that still seemed so foreign to us? Why not give us just a few more days to love, hug, and cherish? Why???? I still don’t know the full answer to these why questions but we have seen lives touched in a positive way because it was Hannah, because it was here, because it was now. I personally know of several people who have rededicated their lives to following Jesus. I even know of some who have, for the first time, seen Christ at work and have committed their lives to Him. And I know that these are not even the full answers to my whys.

I have always found the book of Job to be fascinating (I’ve studied sections in depth as I’ve taught several studies on Creation). Since the death of Hannah I have read, reread, and experienced the book in a new ways. For those of you who are unfamiliar, here is a very brief synopsis. Job was a great man. He was blameless, he feared God, and he avoided evil. Yet he was tested in a way far beyond what anyone would ever want. We are given unique insight that, at least in select instances, God does allow suffering and painful circumstances as a test. (This is clearly not the standard in all situations but it is the case here.) Satan asked for permission to kill all of Job’s livestock, to kill his children, and eventually to afflict him with a painful disease. What follows is an amazing dialogue between Job and his three friends.

Probably the best thing Job’s friends did was to shut up for seven days. When they did open their mouths, they engaged in a conversation that sounds very much like many conversations of today. (Did you know that sometimes even the best intentioned Christian conversations can be hurtful to those who are suffering?) “You must have committed some awful sin for God to do this to you.” “Confess already!” Job’s wife even told him that he should just “curse God and die”. (What an amazingly supportive wife!)

I think the most incredible part of the book, though, is God’s response when Job questions Him. First of all, God can handle being questioned. (I find it amazingly comforting to know that we can always come to Him with these and other questions. He is big enough to handle our complaints, questions, and griping.) Second, He doesn’t directly answer the “why” questions. And this may be the more interesting (and yet frustrating) part. As Frederick Buechner puts it, “God doesn’t explain. He explodes. He asks Job who he thinks he is anyway. He says that to try to explain the kind of things Job wants explained would be like trying to explain Einstein to a littleneck clam…God doesn’t reveal His grand design. He reveals himself.” While we think that we are advanced, informed, and educated enough to understand, we aren’t. How can the created possibly understand the thoughts and intentions of the creator? Our viewpoint is so infinitely limited. As Philip Yancey puts it, “We’re concerned with how things turn out; God seems more concerned with how we turn out.” God’s viewpoint is larger than we could possibly imagine.

One of the most profound truths in this book of the Bible is when Job is restored. Job lost 7,000 sheep and was given 14,000 to replace them. He lost 3,000 oxen and was given 6,000. His 500 donkeys were replaced by 1,000. But he lost seven sons and three daughters. When he was restored, he was given seven sons and three daughters…the same exact number. Two powerful realities are revealed here. First, you cannot replace a human life…ever. To replace and double an animal is easy. Not so with human life. A new daughter would never replace one that was lost. This is related to the second truth. Although not immediately obvious, Job would in fact one day receive a double blessing. On the day he entered Heaven, he would have the chance to introduce his first ten children to his second ten children. The doubling of his livestock was temporary. The doubling of his children is eternal. It excites me to think of the day that I get to introduce any future children Steph and I may have to Hannah, their older sister. I don’t think I am the same parent, husband, man, or Christian that I was before Hannah died. Laying in that bed with her, saying goodbye and praying with/for her as she took her last breath changed me…forever. How I long for the day I can thank her for that and watch her play with all of her siblings.

We may not be given the “why” answers we desperately want, but there are many things we do know. We know that the world was not made to be a place of hurting, of death and divorce. Depression was not in the original plan and cancer did not exist. When Genesis speaks of the entire world being affected by the entrance of sin, that is exactly what it means. No corner of the world and no part of the human heart was spared. But even though this world has been deeply marred by sin, God promises to walk with us (and carry us) through the darkest valleys of life. He willingly entered into a broken creation. “God does not prevent the hard things in this free and dangerous world, but instead shares them with us all.” (Dame Cicely)

As I sit here writing this, I am surrounded by the sounds of music praising our loving creator. I see a loving wife working on her sudoku puzzles at a lighting pace (I still don’t know how she does it). I see/hear three active boys in their imaginary world conquering worlds full of bad guys (this never gets old) and I feel the warmth of a fire fighting off the cool of the Kenyan air (thanks Mike for the donation of wood!!). My heart aches and the brokenness remains, but the great healer is here. He knows. He understands. He feels my pain just as much as I do…more even. Now and before, when faced with the choice of destroying his seemingly failed project of creating man, He instead chooses to step in to rescue us (Noah and his family, the people of Israel, those redeemed through Christ, and even a broken ER doc living in Kenya).

If you find yourself hurting, suffering, grieving, lost, or confused, know this. God is on your side. God loves you, right where you are, stains and all. He has not neglected you. Although the world wants you to think that God has forgotten you, or worse that God doesn’t even exist, He is crying out to let you know that He is here! The pain we feel, He feels more deeply. The grief we feel, grieves Him more. Other religions try to explain life and everything in it but change little. True Christianity does not explain every detail but it changes everything!

To answer the initial question I posed. If I had the option of erasing the intense pain I feel from missing my princess, would I? No, never, not a chance. I hate…legitimately hate this. I hate how much I miss her. I miss laughing and dancing with her. I hate that I can’t cuddle with my little peanut. I hate not seeing her play, learn, and grow. But…the pain I feel now hurts more because of the joy that I felt then. And more importantly, the pain I feel now will make the joy I feel in Heaven that much sweeter. And on that day, the joy will be unending. The sacrifice of Jesus Christ ensures that truth. There is no pain, no tragedy, nothing that God cannot redeem.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Here is my prayer and I hope that it is yours as well.
Father God, thank you for life, for your love, for your Son. Thank you for His sacrifice that allows for the redemption of even our worst pains. I recognize that of myself I have nothing of value to offer you. Lord, I want to willingly give you this life that you have given me. I want to move beyond simple religion. I want true relationship with you. I desire to see lives changed by the power of your name. Father, our time on this damaged planet is short. Please help us to remember that all that we see is temporary…except for people. Help us not to focus on the temporary but instead on what truly matters to you. Only your name can redeem us and this broken world. Work through us so that others may see the truth that can only be found in Jesus Christ. Thank you. Amen.

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Aaron Kelley

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