I’ve been trying to figure out what I could say for my next blog post. Honestly, I’m still not really sure. It feels like Steph and I have had a bunch of emotions thrown in a blender and what comes out can be well…a bit messy. Each day seems different from the last and it is really difficult to explain. Steph was able to very openly reveal her heart in her last posting. She is hurting, yet understanding and growing. Mourning…and yet beautifully caring for us. Healing and trying to learn how a family of six operates with only five members present. With my blog, I feel like there is a possibility of becoming a broken record just repeating what I’m feeling over and over again. The already limited vocabulary guys have related to feelings makes this seem even more likely, so if that happens I apologize. Lately I have noticed that what I feel is not the homogeneous type of feelings that once were there. Where once there was almost pure sadness, there are now hints of joy blended in. At one time I couldn’t perceive how losing Hannah could be a plan to further His Kingdom. Now I have seen literally hundreds and maybe even thousands of people touched in one way or another by her story. So many people have been drawn into a new or a closer relationship with Jesus. I still don’t fully know what God is up to, but I know who He is. He is good and He will not waste the pain of one of His followers.
As Steph mentioned, this past week was a bit difficult. It is difficult to see the world move on…although we know it must. While Hannah’s life and death has left an indelible mark on us and many others, it is painful to think about moving on without her as a part of our family. The questions the boys ask clearly reveal that they too are hurting and there are constant reminders of what we are missing. At one point, there was even a sweet lady at a grocery store who told us “I have three boys and then a baby girl. You should really have a girl. They are so sweet!” Obviously she had no idea that we had just buried our little princess. Just another reminder…
As the days move on, there has been a new feeling that is being added to my mix of emotions… anger. It is not because of the events that took place though. I have seen God’s hand at work too much and experienced His love too deeply to be angry with Him. I’m angry instead that I already can’t picture Hannah as clearly anymore. The images of her that I had desperately tried to memorize are fading. The evening before she arrested, I was with her on the couch in our living room. I was kneeling on the ground next to her and holding her hand while she slept. I didn’t know why but I wanted to remember that moment. I can’t explain it but it just felt like something awful could happen soon. I wanted to remember the way it felt when her small fingers wrapped around mine. The warmth of her skin. The smell of her hair. Those memories are starting to fade and I feel like I’m grasping at straws to keep them clearly in my head.
The memories of her happy and healthy have been replaced, in part, by what I remember from her last hours of life. I remember the limpness and color of her body when Steph called for me. I clearly remember thinking to myself “I cannot be doing this to my little girl” as I worked to resuscitate her. I remember the sights and scents of casualty, the voices of those working so hard to save her life, the eyes of other patients/families closely watching us, and the pain I felt as I fell to my knees in prayer at a chair while other team members took over Hannah’s care. I remember that I pleaded with God to make this go away…asking that I could just wake up from this bad dream. At some point after she was transported to the ICU that prayer stopped though. I think it was at that time that Steph and I came to understand that the lessons we had learned over the past months and years had been in preparation for this very moment in our lives. Hannah was going to go with Jesus to her forever home…and very soon. As much as I wanted to, I could not take her place and I could not save her.
I do still remember our last hours with her in the ICU at Kijabe. While with her I did my best to memorize the curves of her little face with wisps of blonde hair covering her forehead. I still remember the coolness of her hands as her blood vessels clamped down. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get her hands to warm back up. By now, her sweet scent was blended with that of medical equipment. I was losing her. I tried to clear the tears from my eyes to see her but I had to instead just close them and pray. I remember offering prayers of thanks for the time I had to be her daddy. For the love she gave me. I also remember prayers of hope, knowing that she was about to be escorted to a place more beautiful than anything she (or any of us) has ever seen. I place where she can wear her pink hair bows and never worry about getting sick again. I thought of the true story of Lazarus the beggar (Luke 16:19-31) and how when he died he was escorted to heaven by angels. I prayed that God would send his “very best ones” to take my little girl home. I talked with Hannah and told her that we were going to be alright…that we would miss her bunches and that we all loved her so much. I assured her that she would be able to play with Grandpa K and that we would be coming to see her someday to visit forever.
Since that night, I have noticed that there has steadily been less desperation in my blender of emotions…instead, it is being replaced by more of a determination. I want to fully fix my eyes on what is real and what is to come. There are only two things that are eternal….God’s Word and people. This is what matters. This is why we are here. I don’t want to be afraid to speak out. If someone is hurting and Jesus is the answer, they need to hear truth…not a watered down, politically correct, sterile pat on the back response.
The truth is that Heaven is such a cool place. (I’m gonna have to work on my lesson on Heaven to post at some point.) I fear that many of us have lost sight of just how amazing it is going to be. It’s a place where so many of those deep desires that you can’t seem to fill here are finally fulfilled. It is a place ruled with fairness , justice, and righteousness to a degree that has never been seen on earth. Warning: you don’t just get to float around on a cloud and strum a harp forever…it is so much more than that!
As Steph had said, her heart has changed. I can feel mine changing as well. I have a growing desire to tell others that this world is not what it should be. What once was “very good” (Genesis 1:31) has been marred by sin. The pain you feel, the difficulties you experience, and the injustices you see around you are not permanent. All things will be “made new” (Revelation 21:5). There is coming a day when all who have placed their hope and trust in Jesus will experience joy beyond anything this present world could offer. My hope and prayer is that the fear that I once felt in sharing this truth with others will melt away and leave a heart that is more tender and open to opportunities to share.
I really have no idea what mix of emotions will come out of the blender day to day. It is my hope that as the process of grieving and healing continues to evolve that increasing parts of love, joy, peace, and patience may find their way into the mix. One thing I know for sure is that God is in control. He will add the ingredients to my blender daily and only He can get the mix just right. And on the day when everything is just right and the recipe is complete, I get to go to my forever home too!
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24 Comments
Carol
Apr, 10, 2013Your post is beautiful. Real. Truth. You provide us all with strength in the Lord, encouragement and hope in the midst of such personal pain. So similar to Jesus when He was there for us during His painful journey. Thank you. Your family is always in my prayers. Carol
John Kurtz
Apr, 10, 2013I love your blender analogy! Yes, God does at times seem to be “whipping things up” in the lives of His children. Just remember, and I speak from a much longer period of “post-blending” survival than you, our God does produce some pretty good “smoothies” and “milk shakes.” His “recipes” are wonderful in the final analysis even if they don’t appear so “tasty” at the time. My wife and I continue to pray for you all. John
Kathy (your mom's "Roomie")
Apr, 10, 2013Aaron, you needn’t ever worry about your words being repetitive or inadequate. This post has moved me deeply, especially your comment about “how a family of six operates with only five members present.”
May I say again: your dad would be so very proud of the man you have become.
I’m continuing to pray for you all.
Sarah Hunt
Apr, 10, 2013There is no question that you are reaching THOUSANDS. Yours and Stephanie’s blogs are a blessing to me and to so many others. Your faith amazes me daily. Since Hannah’s death, heaven has become so much more real to me too… and I have been looking for ways to witness as well (and that’s just 1 person who has been touched by your lives). God is good…. all the time. Love to you.
Sue
Apr, 10, 2013Thank you for your transparency. It is refreshing. It is a blessing. It is helping to heal some of the broken places in my heart. I am sorry for the pain you are going through right now.
Father,
Please continue to be with this precious family. Be with Aaron, Steph and their sweet young boys. Comfort them. Wrap your arms of love around them. Give them the strength to walk through each day. Help them to feel your presence in a very real way. Thank you that we can trust in your loving heart toward each one of us, even when our world seems to fall apart. Thank you that one day all of this hurt and pain will be gone and everything will be as it should be. We can’t wait for that day to come. Help us to spread the message of your love and forgiveness with urgency to all who you put in our path. I pray this in the wonderful name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Kristyn
Apr, 10, 2013Thank you for living out so boldly the journey you are now on…You are so right. Your story is touching many you may not meet this side of heaven. You are reminding us that our true home is not here, and that we are being groomed and grown for a far better place. I grieve with you…and can’t help but cry each time I read your posts. But I also rejoice with you that Hannah is healthy and happily playing with no pain or sorrow. Oh the joy of reunion day. May God strengthen you and bless you, may He shine on you and in you as you continue to trust Him.
Joanne Vollmer Goodhart
Apr, 10, 2013Thank you, Aaron.
Allan T. Sawyer, MD
Apr, 10, 2013Aaron,
I echo with what others have already said above. I wish that I had some profound words to write that would just explain everything and bring you immeasurable and amazing comfort and solace, yet I am at a total loss for words.
The scripture that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.”
As always, God has said it better than I ever could.
Thank you Lord for Hannah.
Allan
Elaine
Apr, 10, 2013Your post is a …sweet aroma. What resonates with me is the truth that what matters is The Word and people. I work with people with advanced stage cancer and I may be able to offer some physical comfort and emotional comfort…..but if I neglect to give them the Truth that this is not our real home and that Jesus is the only way..then I have failed in what God has called me to do as His follower. I have not always known this…thankful that one so young as you has this wisdom, brought by great pain…may God bless you and your family. I share your story with many…and the hope that we all have as believers in Jesus Christ.
Diana
Apr, 10, 201310 years now since I buried the last of my 3 baby girls and just yesterday someone said to me: “well, good thing you don’t have girls because…” Little do they know how that statement even one decade later is hurtful to me. Not quite hurtful like those early years, but it brings to mind a longing, the griefs, the deaths, the missing, the time that has passed beyond the unthinkable – the ALL of it. Heaven offers healing and can’t come soon enough this grand reunion!
joanne r
Apr, 11, 2013Your words word of sadness and strength and grief and hope are like poetry to all of us who have suffered loss.
Psalm 71:5 You are my hope; O Lord my God, You are my confidence.
Thank you Lord for Hannah
Nana Jana
Apr, 11, 2013Aaron, always tell the truth, as you have here today.
My only grandchild was born with a severe congenital heart disease, and has coded six times in her two years of life. Watching her live in such uncertainty has taught us two lessons. First, tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Second, today is a gift.
When I see my granddaughter’s photos, it isn’t the nasal feeding tube nor the oxygen tube that I notice. It’s her smile. I look at those glittering eyes and say in awe, “And still, she smiles.” Her Daddy and Mommy simply say, “God is good all the time!”
My son and his wife blog about my granddaughter. The blogs flow with “a blender of emotions,” just as YOUR blog does.
They don’t realize yet – and neither do you – how many people are reached by the simple story of a child who is/was ill, but who will be/has been made whole in God’s heavenly realm.
You two sets of parents are reaching and teaching with each of these little girls’ stories. In that way, God is able to produce good results from bad situations…for we know He wishes “that none perish, but all come to eternity,” and that He has said, “…and a little child shall lead them.”
Because of Hannah and Emma, people are uniting as one in prayer to the Father and remembering Him, or coming to know Him for the first time. Each of us – even a tiny little girl with a big smile – has a mission to accomplish while here on earth. Your Hannah completed hers and is already with God, right where we all seek to be one day.
So keep telling the truth about Hannah, about God’s hope that we will believe and be baptized, then live a righteous life, about how God is near … about the angels who will lift us to our Forever Home when the time is right…and about how God’s timing is perfect, even when it is difficult to comprehend from this side of Heaven.
Hugs from Emma’s Nana Jana
Miriam Wert
Apr, 11, 2013You never have to figure out what to say, Aaron, because it is obvious that your thoughts originate from the Holy Spirit’s guidance so that your words are a true blessing to all of us. Your writings are the closest to poetry that I have ever read. God bless and keep you and Stephanie and the boys, our little heros.
Jody Allen
Apr, 11, 2013Aaron, please don’t ever apologize for repeating things or using the same words. Whatever you are feeling are the words and no right or wrong when you are grieving. Your family has been such an inspiration to me, I almost look forward to your posts like my daily dose of strength. I have been through a lot especially the past year or two and although I believe in god and have usually had a great outlook, but I have seem to lost some of my faith through everything, but seeing what you have been through without a waiver of faith , but strength inspires me to get back on path. God bless you all
Jon Divine, D.O.
Apr, 11, 2013Thank You, Aaron, for continuing to give us a glimpse of where your at and what God is doing in you and your family. I’ve been following your blog since you started your Kenyan journey. God is using your honesty, transparency, and steadfast faith to not only help your heart heal and grow, but many of the hearts watching you as well. Again, Thank You!!!
Katy
Apr, 11, 2013Thank you for your post. I recognize so many things that you are saying. I remember after my husband died being in the grocery store and thinking, “How can the world keep moving on? How can they be testing fruit to see if it’s ripe? Do they not know that everything has changed?”
One of the books (actually probably the only book) that spoke to me during this time was Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff. He is a Christian professor at Yale writes about losing his adult son in a mountain climbing accident, but he doesn’t try to solve the problem, or give self-help tips. I liked the book because it helped me realize that others had felt the same way I did, and that it was normal.
I am a teacher at Rift Valley Academy, and wanted to let you know that while you were in Kijabe, I was in the Mara with a group of juniors and seniors. Every night during devotions, the kids asked to pray for you and we did. You were all on our hearts, mine especially so as the 5th anniversary of my husband’s death was that week as well.
We continue to lift you up here in Kijabe.
The road is very hard. God is faithful. You can trust Him.
Julie E.
Apr, 11, 2013Thank you for your example of faithfulness! We have not forgotten about you and your family. We continue to lift you up in prayer!
Kristi
Apr, 13, 2013Aaron thank you for sharing your heart and for your continued honesty. My prayers are still with you and Steph.
Chris E.
Apr, 16, 2013Aaron,
I just read about your story in the most recent Samaritan’s Purse newsletter and I grieve with you during this difficult time for you and your family. 8 years ago my wife and I went through a similar journey when our 2 1/2 year old daughter, Amanda, passed away after a 2 year battle with Leukemia. Like you we also had 2 young sons at the time who went through this with us. Your mix of emotions are not uncommon as I experienced some of the same and they are days even now when they still come on strong. It is certainly true that I’ve also become much more focused on Heaven now and I embrace that. Each day that I wake up I am one more day closer to being reunited with her and other loved ones. I will be praying for you, your wife and family and know that this Dad understands what your feeling. Keep encouraging others and in doing you’ll be encouraged. Blessings!!!
Shannon( Bassler) Coudriet
Apr, 17, 2013You really know how to say the right things. I can only imagine the emotions you are facing but with Gods help you will get through it. God bless you.
Susan
Apr, 18, 2013Have your read Randy Alcorn’s book about Heaven? I found it very helpful.
Eileen
Apr, 20, 2013Doctor, Daddy, Aaron,
I am a critical care RN and I was involved in an arrest situation with a close family friend. As I was standing over him, performing compressions, I couldn’t grasp what was happening. Later, I was very hard on myself because my friend did not make it. You have been such an inspiration to me, you experienced the most difficult of situations as a physician and Daddy. Your faith in God is so inspirational. I know you a hurting, along with your family; we a hurting with you. Thank you for your humble and most inspiring blog. My family continues to lift your family up in prayers.
Kelli
Apr, 25, 2013I read about your story thus morning in the Samaritan’s Purse update…I am praying for your and your family as tears stream down my face. I am praying that The Lord lifts you up and sustains you as only He can, that he will provide supernatural peace and strength at this very moment.
Cherry
Apr, 29, 2013Found your touching story through Betsy Hall, an SP friend. Wishes of peace and courage in the days to come as you return to Kenya.