I Still Believe!

I miss Hannah.  We all do.  While this is nothing new, we seem to be moving into a new stage of grief.  Some of this is due to us preparing for the arrival of Joshua.  A lot of conversations have revolved around reminding the boys the rules of having a baby in the house as well as instructing them (mainly Levi) that we can’t treat this baby like Hannah because she was older.  Levi still giggles about how he would take her by the legs and drag her through the house causing her to giggle and squeal in happiness.  Already there have been many comparisons of baby Hannah to baby Joshua.  That’s so hard because they are each unique and special creations.  We fully recognize that no one can or will ever replace the void that was left when Hannah went to her forever home.  I can’t help but wonder if this is one of the reasons why we haven’t had our prayers for another baby girl answered yet.  I think that it may be a bit easier (especially for the boys) having a baby brother instead of another baby sister at this point.  

They still seem to be processing everything well as we all continue on the road of healing.  Each of them still love talking about sissy and while some of the conversations end up with tearful eyes buried in our laps, others are more lighthearted and filled with laughter and happy memories.  They each have a solid understanding of where Hannah is and who she is with.  While some days remain a happy medium on the spectrum of emotions, there are others that are still a bit of a roller coaster ride with extremes of happiness and sorrow.  On those days I just want to get off the ride and rest for a while.  I think I can safely speak for both Steph and myself when I say that those days are exhausting.  We are so grateful for the time we had with Hannah.  (Noah has picked up on my prayer of thanksgiving and regularly thanks God for this time when we pray at night.)  We love that we had an amazing 14 months with Hannah.  Despite her having cancer (I still have trouble associating that dreaded word with my baby girl) we didn’t have a prolonged illness filled with needles, tests and prolonged sickness as I have witnessed firsthand so many times.  I can still clearly remember the evening before she died.  As Steph was tucking the boys into bed, I was sitting on the floor next to her watching her fall asleep on the couch.  Although you could tell she didn’t feel well, she still smiled and was playful with her daddy.  And in only hours that smile was enhanced as she met Jesus face to face.  

I think being away from Tenwek has been a bit hard as well.  Almost all of the full time missionaries there walked with us through the valley as we said goodbye to Hannah.  Those long term missionaries who weren’t there all knew about what was going on and were prayerfully supporting us from around the world.  All of the house helpers at Tenwek came to our home to grieve with us.  For months after we said goodbye to Hannah, it seemed like even all of the short term missionaries knew our story.  Having such a close family environment there has been helpful.  Our missionary friends can tell when we are having a bad day without us saying a word.  They even know when to expect us to have a bad day (special days, anniversaries, when I’ve lost babies in casualty, etc.).  It’s different here at language school.  While some of the missionaries here know our story, they don’t know the details in such an intimate way.  I have had a chance to tell some of them parts of Hannah’s story (which I don’t get to do as often anymore – this is also hard as I love talking about her and how God has and continues to use her).  Different isn’t bad I suppose, it’s just different and it forces us to revisit and reopen different parts of our wounds as we continue to heal.

There are some events and times when we expect things to be hard.  But even learning the language and culture here has forced us to reopen wounds.  One of the first things we learned to do was the appropriate way to introduce ourselves when visiting a church.  (This is a big deal in the culture here when visiting any new church.)  I have five children, although I jokingly count Joshua as “na nusu” (a half).  It is expected that we introduce our kids and how old they are.  I’m pretty sure we are the first students that have ever asked about introducing a deceased child.  Many times in this culture, that child is simply left out of the count.  (This is one area where I may remain somewhat counter-cultural.)  We have studied and now know which words are considered too harsh when speaking about someone who has died.  Another wound to heal. 

Grief is messy.  There is no playbook for how to handle every situation that comes up and for dealing with every painful trigger.  It is still hard for us to do this in such an open forum and we thank you for enduring the good, the bad and the ugly.  There are still so many questions that remain.  I think there likely will be until I join Hannah next to my savior Jesus.  I’m not sure how much longer it will be until that day.  I suppose it could be at any moment.  Peter makes a pretty sobering comparison for us in 1 Peter 1:24-25 when he writes, “For, ‘All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever.’”  (For those who want to study it a bit more, he is referring back to Isaiah 40:6-8.)  Not one of us is guaranteed another day.  Each day is a gift and an opportunity.  It is my sincerest desire that on that day when your time on earth is through that you have the assurance of where you will be.  If you aren’t sure or have any questions, Steph or I would love to talk to you further.  Please don’t hesitate to contact us.  Jesus himself gave us the assurance that “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”  (John 10:28)  While Steph and I still have many questions about his plan, I can guarantee that God’s promises are always true!!

As I was writing this a song came on my computer.  It’s called “I Still Believe”.  It is another great song written by Jeremy Camp (the same singer who wrote the song that was playing as we sent Hannah off to Jesus).  He wrote this song about ten years ago, shortly after his first wife died.  Like him, we continue to experience God’s grace in powerful ways.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “grace” is the meaning of Hannah.  God is faithful!

Scattered words and empty thoughts

seem to pour from my heart

I’ve never felt so torn before

seems I don’t know where to start

But it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain 

from every fingertip, washing away my pain

[Chorus:]

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your Holy Word

Even when I don’t see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind

with promises I still seem to bear

Even when answers slowly unwind

it’s my heart I see You prepare

But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain

from every finger tip, washing away my pain

[Chorus]

Well the only place I can go is into Your arms

where I throw to you my feeble prayers

Well in brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me

Help me to know You are near

If you would like to see a clip of one of the songs from this service check our Facebook group page here.

Prayer requests

-Continue to pray for healing for our family.  Each day brings it’s own joy and challenges.  Please know that we couldn’t be here without God’s provision and your prayerful support.

-Pray for Steph and Joshua.  Steph is certainly starting to feel the effects of having this little guy growing.  We’ve begun weekly injections to hopefully prevent preterm delivery.  (Our track record is pretty lousy and this would not be the ideal environment for an early surprise!)

-Pray for all of us here at language school.  We are about halfway done with our time here (one of the WGM families will remain for an additional month after we leave).  We have made a lot of progress but only having two months total, we will still have a lot to learn even when we head back to Tenwek.  We have our first test in a few hours so we will have a better idea of what we need to focus on as we progress.  

-Pray for Israel and other places across the world where violence and bloodshed are daily realities of life.  

-Pray for the persecuted church.  I can only imagine what it must be like to know that faith in Jesus can equal death and torture for an entire family or community.  May our brothers and sisters in Christ remain faithful.  May God receive the glory even as some lay down their lives for the faith.